One of these things is not like the others…


The good news is, I’M PREGNANT!! Don’t celebrate just yet because I certainly am not, can not. After years of fertility treatments, I got the call to say my 1st beta hcg was 882! Most certainly, I was carrying multiples. And I dared to dream and believe that I was a normal girl… I told the few special people in my life-and then the other shoe dropped, my chain got yanked, reality hit. I’m not normal, there’s always going to be reminders that I’m broken and less than. I look like a woman but look a little closer. As I sat in my car and cried tears of joy with my besties, the doctor’s office called to say, my 2nd beta did not double as it should have. If there were multiples, maybe one or two of them wasn’t strong enough. Hopefully there is one hanging on and fighting to be mine. What lottery did I win to be the one out of four girls sexually abused? Double jackpot, I get to be an infertile too.
I’m a survivor but I’m not always strong. I need this baby. My abusers took something from every aspect of my life and I just really feel right now that this is the last piece. I can’t even enjoy this moment right now, so much worry. I don’t know what I’ll do if I go in this office next week and there’s no sac, no heartbeat, no baby. Please don’t tell me not to worry, don’t tell me that it must not have been meant to be, please don’t tell me I can get pregnant again. What you can tell me is what kind of God allows this. Tell me what I ever did to anyone to deserve this, I’m sorry alright, I take it back, I get it, my life’s not ever going to be easy but don’t take my baby-not again.